PW 431: Takeaways from dating a dishonest monogamist

lion-lolcatMinx and LustyGuy cover the lessons learned from dating a dishonest monogamist 
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1:00 Announcements

3:30 Poly in the news

6:40 Topic: What lessons to take away from dating a dishonest monogamist

SpiderGirl calls in to share a story and ask a question: when you date someone who doesn’t tell you he has a girlfriend/fiancée until after you hook up with him but really want the poly to work, what is the takeaway?

  • Date your species. Don’t date or fall in love with monogamists. Before you hook up, ask about other partners, and give yourself the option of passing if the person is monogamous and seeing someone else.
  • Don’t date someone who requires change. As I’m sure you’ve figured out, dating someone with the hopes of changing him is like trying to teach a pig to dance: it wastes your time and annoys the pig. It’s much wiser to date polyamorists or people already self-identifying as non-monogamous than to try to convert monogamists.
  • Don’t date someone who is lying to someone else. You may be “the only one he can be honest with” now, but lying to a partner is a character flaw that doesn’t tend to be person-specific. If he lies to her, he’ll eventually lie to you.
  • Don’t blame someone who has been denied agency. I don’t believe you fell into this trap, but it’s common in these instances to blame the girlfriend/fiancée/wife for not understanding him, not letting him be himself, and so on. It is remarkably unfair to blame the person who has been denied agency, so please, be respectful and don’t do it.
  • Do what you love. When it comes to dating, be sure to join dating sites that allow you to specify that you’re non-monogamous, but in general, the best dating advice we have is to engage in activities that you love. Live your life, have fun, be the best you you can be.

27:45 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Poly Dating 101

Thanks to everyone who attended and asked questions at yesterday’s Debauchery session on poly dating! The slides are here for your enjoyment:

Poly Living Keynote: audio + slides

For the curious, the audio plus sides posting is on SlideShare as well; here is the QuickTime version (bit wonky, but the best I could do in the airport):

Poly Living keynote slides

The slides from my keynote at Poly Living 2009. They’re intended to support a live presentation, so they don’t make much sense without it, but audio will hopefully follow soon.

From Poly Living 2009: Keynote slides

The audio will be edited and up soon; then, these slides will make more sense. For now:

[Edit: this is the Slideshare plus audio version:]

Poly Weekly book club meets WEDNESDAY, MAY 7TH

Time to visit Amazon and check out the next Poly Weekly book club selection!

This month, we decided to read something more personal: Eros, the memoir of bisexual poly activist and recent guest to Poly Weekly, Serena Anderlini-d’Onofrio. (Click the link to purchase from Amazon)

When: Wednesday, May 7th, 6:00-9:00 p.m.
Where: The Center on Halsted, Chicago, IL, on the second floor white couches
What: Eros, a Journey of Multiple Loves book discussion–please come even if you haven’t read the book!

Poly Weekly book club meets WEDNESDAY, APRIL 2ND


The Poly Weekly Book Club meets this WEDNESDAY, APRIL 2ND at the Center on Halsted!

Book: Anapol’s Love Without Limits

Location: Center on Halsted, 2nd floor, white couches
Time: 6:00-9:00 p.m.

Please come join us, even if you haven’t read the book! The discussion is always lively and interesting, and all polys and poly-curious are welcome!

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A birthday gift from Steve Eley, for those who were wondering what a minx actually is!

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