PW 405: Testing the poly waters with a monogamist

What do you do when your first step into polyamory is with a married monogamist?

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waterlolcatIntroduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

2:35 Topic: Testing the poly waters with a monogamist

Our listener has a dear friend she met about the same time she met her husband. He is monogamously married as well. They have fallen in love. She and her husband have been talking about swinging/sexual polyamory but with falling in love as a strict taboo. How do she and her new beau come out to their current partners about their new relationship and polyamory?

  • Challenges:
    • you’re already a couple with your new beau and have been for quite a while now
    • you’re both in monogamous relationships
    • Neither of your partners is aware of your relationship, so huge trust issues will undoubtedly arise when you do come out (the “how long has this been going on” issue)
    • You have to introduce the idea of polyamory at the same time you’re introducing a real person that you already love, which puts your current partners in a very uncomfortable position; it’s hard not to take the coming out as an ultimatum
  • Prescription: time. You must give your current partners weeks, months and years to digest not only the idea of polyamory but also a relatively well-developed poly relationship—that’s a tall order. Your current partners need time to overreact, get hurt, call names, make rules, freak out, etc. over the next few months or years.

15:30 Feedback

OKCupid story

16:25 Happy Poly Moment

  • Krista shares a happy poly moment about good metamour relations in advance of her moving to town
  • Stacy used the idea of relationship land mines to cope with the challenging situation of experience shock and should be proud of her ability to identify her emotion of being excluded rather than jealousy

20:10 Thank you!

Thanks to Michele for her donation this week!

20:44 iTunes deletion update

21:10 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 398: Poly-mono mix

Monogamy_Cabernet_SauvignonHow a monogamous person copes with a poly relationship 

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Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

1:53 Topic: How does a monogamous person adjust to polyamory?

  • Take your time It’s OK to take your time exploring polyamory. You don’t have to do everything all at once TODAY. Give yourself time to find your self-identity.
  • Take care of yourself Avoid “shoulding” all over yourself. “Should” is the enemy of happy. It’s OK to experience negative emotions.

LustyGuy has advice on dealing with specific events and using a three-step process to deal with tough events:

  1. Discuss Before the event, do a check-in with your partner to go over how you feel about your relationship—good stuff that has happened, things you’re both working on, appreciate any recent affection/chores, etc. Confirm the love!
  2. Distract During the event, distract yourself! Have a night with your friends, watch bad TV, get a massage. Have fun while the tough event is going on!
  3. Do After the event, do a check in with your partner and demonstrate that you still love each other after the event. Breakfast in bed, do each other—whatever will help you to bond and come back together.

More tips:

  • Request behaviors And remember that in discussions, focus on specific behaviors rather than vague emotional states. Rather than saying “I need to be the primary,” for example, you might ask that you get regular Friday night dates, morning sex or sappy, sexy text messages.
  • Write your user manual And of course, write your own user manual!
  • Lather, rinse, repeat Repeat the thing you have difficulty with to help develop your coping mechanisms. Just do it! (And then do it again and again!)
  • Be aware of warning signs If you’re resorting to alcohol, drugs or dangerous behavior in order to deal with polyamory, this may not be the lifestyle for you. It’s OK not to be polyamorous; please take care of yourself first.
  • Get a support network Find online or real-life communities who have been through this before and gather a social support network, even if you self-identify as monogamous

23:45 Happy Poly Moment

Derek writes in about finding his local poly community in Tulsa, OK!

25:20 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 387: Is monogamy natural?

labkittenspolygene

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1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

2:00 Topic: Is monogamy natural?

Before we dive into this, what do you hope to accomplish or prove by answering this question? Do you want it to be true or untrue that human beings are naturally monogamous? Why does it matter to you, and how will it affect your behavior?

All the books I recommend are in the Poly Weekly Amazon Store under Polyamory Must Reads or For Sex Scholars.

21:00 Happy Poly Moment

Diana shared a Happy Poly Moment about getting not just tolerance but active support within a relationship with differing approaches to polyamory.

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 351: Mono-poly with Mo

Tales of mono-poly ins and outs with Mollena Williams

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Note: we are still experiencing technical difficulties with posting episode 350. That file will post as soon as the issues are discerned and corrected. In the meantime, enjoy Mo!

1:00 Announcements and host chat

  • Hidden Social: Where Sexual Variants Gather Online session at SXSWi on Sunday, March 10, 3:30 PM with Herb Coleman, Adjunct Professor of Psychology at UT Austin ( #hiddensoc )
  • Content Creation for the Online Activist on Sunday, March 17th at 10:30 AM in D.C. at CatalystCon ( #ccon )
  • Want to help send Minx to SXSWi and CatalystCon this year? We just need 10 $96 donations so I can eat! And we LOVE $69 and $96 donations!

3:30 Interview: Mollena Williams on her mono-poly relationship

What worked—and didn’t—in Mollena’s last mono-poly D/s relationship. Lessons learned and insights from the trenches. Find her site at Mollena or as Mollena on FetLife and Facebook.

35:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 318: The New Monogamy

Dr. Tammy Nelson shares how the world of online dating, social media and texting has changed marriage and monogamy

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

2:00 The New Monogamy with Dr. Tammy Nelson

Dr. Tammy Nelson, therapist and author of a soon-to-be-released book on The New Monogamy, answers questions on the new state of monogamy:

  • Has marriage gone out of fashion?
  • How has online dating affected marriage?
  • Do those who identify as monogamous need to expect infidelity?
  • Are Facebook and texting to blame for affairs?
  • Are affairs actually good for a marriage?
  • What is the new monogamy?

31:40 Feedback

Jess writes in to thank PW for helping her poly family through the introduction of HPV and the tools to help the group be level-headed and talk openly and honestly.

Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 272: The Monogamous Privilege Checklist

Did you ever wonder about all the things the poly-identified must deal with that the monogamous don’t? Cory and Kate did. And Cory made a list!

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Introduction and host chat

Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

Topic: Monogamous Privilege

Cory and Kate on the aggregated content: list of privileges that the monogamous-identified often take for granted. Roughly grouped by these themes:

  • Poly configurations are not represented in mainstream and therefore considered other
  • Monogamy is not considered a choice but poly is
  • People make assumptions regarding sexuality or abuse and anyone identifying as poly is asked to represent the entire group socially
  • Monogamy had inferred support for children and family

The East Portland blog’s post on Cory’s monogamous privilege checklist.

Feedback

Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Poly Weekly 264: Wait; we’re monogamous?

How often do couples have differing, undiscussed ideas about monogamy?

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Introduction and host chat

Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

Announcements

    • Sinplex Weekend, February 18-20 in Seattle
    • Atlanta Poly Weekend, March 25-27, Atlanta
    • MomentumCon, April 1-3, Washington, D.C. My sessions: Podcasting: Marketing, Mojo and Monetization; Personal Branding for the Sex-Positive Activist
    • Kinkfest, March 18-20, Portland, OR
    • ShibariCon, May 27-20, Chicago, IL. My session: Shibaricon for newbies, introverts and less-than-100%-brave: how to get the most out of your ShibariCon experience

    Topic: Wait; we’re monogamous?

    This study reported on the results from Oregon University’s study of 434 heterosexual married and non-married couples, aged 18 to 25. In 40% of those couples, one partner said the couple had agreed to be monogamous while the other partner said there was no such deal!

    Advice: Should I be poly?

    After losing his wife to his best friend and acknowledging he is comfortable with swinging, Tony asks if he should be poly.

    Book review: Love You Two by Kurt

      Wrap-up
      Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

      Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

      Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

      Poly Weekly 256: Sex at Dawn

      Primal interview with Christopher Ryan, co-author of anthropological phenomenon, Sex at Dawn

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      Introduction and host chat

      Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

      Announcements

      Interview: Christopher Ryan, co-author of Sex at Dawn

      • Sex at Dawn on the PW Amazon Store
      • Dispelling anthropological myths. Let’s start with what “marriage” is in the animal kingdom
      • Was early life “nasty, brutish and short”? Are humans traditionally generous?
      • What is “natural” and why does it matter?
      • Is agriculture really to blame for our current oppressive patriarchal structure and the transition from generosity to possessiveness?
      • Is it really a myth that prehistoric humans died by age 35?
      • In which cultures/models is sex removed from paternity and childrearing?
      • What do we learn about humanity from bonobos?
      • http://www.bonobohandshake.com
      • Mosuo video link he mentioned

      Wrap-up
      Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

      Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

      Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

      Poly Weekly #223: Communicating while angry & realism in relationships

      This week’s Poly Weekly #223: Communicating while angry & realism in relationships.

      Download the mp3 directly!

      0:00 Introduction and host chat
      Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

      Announcements

      • Anal sex in accordance with God’s will
      • Polyagony: The mixed feeling you get when your sweetie is dating someone new. A mixture of: “I’m so happy for you!” with “Teehee! Tell me all the juicy details!” with, “But I’m still pretty, right?”
      • Ann Arbor Poly Network: munch the second Friday, 7:30 p.m., at Pizza House; discussion group third Thursday at WRAP (319 Braun Ct.)

      Cohosts
      Joreth
      Pepper

      Topic: Communicating while angry
      From the forums: a different way to communicate when angry

      Topic: Realism in Relationships
      Jenny Block wrote this response to Tiger Wood’s cheating: monogamy isn’t realistic. How would you respond? Thanks to JazzDuck for commenting via Twitter!

      Happy Poly Moment
      Courtesy of PolyWolf

      Feedback
      Vim wrote in about poly anime, Marmalade Boy

      Wrap-up
      Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

      Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

      Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

      Poly Weekly #221: This American Life & Infidelity

      This week’s Poly Weekly #221: This American Life & Infidelity.

      Download the mp3 directly!

      0:00 Introduction and host chat
      Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

      Announcements
      Please follow us on Twitter!

      Cohosts
      Joreth
      Franklin Veaux
      Ellie Lumpesse
      Benny

      Topic: This American Life: Infidelity
      Lance and Serendipity offer feedback on the episode; the co-hosts discuss each act in this disappointing episode

      3:26 Discussion begins…
      Minx looks forward to this episode of TAL but as she listens to the show, she is not happy with it. Joreth agrees with Minx, wants to know why alternative lifestyles are not brought up as possible ideas. Ellie, on the other hand, felt this was a good episode and enjoyed it. What happens if you fall in love with a cheater? Minx felt that question was missing. Benny was hoping they would have taken a less conventional approach to this topic.

      10:20 Discussion Continues…
      Joreth appreciated the talk about the pain cheating causes but they didn’t go deep enough. Benny had heard one of the stories from the show at an earlier time and talks about getting more from the story hearing it again. Somebody didn’t agree with Benny (Ellie, i think? people stopped giving names so it got a bit hard) had a different perspective on the story. Joreth chimes in as well.

      Franklin gives his perspective on cheating and cheaters.

      22:30 Minx reads some feedback from Facebook

      27:19 Serendipity called in and left a voice mail comment about the TAL episode.

      Benny talks about how some people can’t actually love more than one person. (god i hope those people don’t have more than one kid. -fs)

      Lack of science in the TAL episode has been called out as being an issue with the episode.

      Thanks everybody!

      34:22 Happy poly moment of the week!

      34:50 Feedback

      Poly Weekly 218: Poly in the UK

      Poly Weekly 213: Group Sex and Orgies

      Wrap-up
      Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

      Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

      Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

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