PW 403: Striking while the iron is cold

grumpy-button-lolcatShould you bring in a new poly partner when your current partner agreed to it years ago and you’ve become distant in the meantime?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

9:10 Striking when the iron is cold

Ricado has been with Sue for 20 years; used to have a strong bond, and she used to be adventurous and even liked the idea of poly but grew apart due to her disability involving chronic pain. Years go by; separate bedrooms (physical reasons, not sexual), and he meets someone. An intimate friend he’d like to bring in to the relationship.

What to do? The timing of the friendship is suspicious, and he doesn’t want to just say, “Hey, I met someone!” nor pressure his current partner into feeling like her disability was the cause. What to do?

First, be brave and tell her everything you just told me, including your fears about how it came about and what you’re afraid that will look like to her.

Also, a few things to consider:

  • You What course of action is going to help you to be a better version of yourself?
  • The relationship What course of action is going to support the health of your current relationship? It sounds to me like it has become based on tacit understandings rather than open and honest communication, which hints that the relationship might not be completely healthy at the moment.
  • The prospective partner If you want to have hope of successfully initiating a new poly relationship, you must heal your current relationship first. It’s unfair to invite a third party into a relationship that isn’t 100% open, honest and healthy. That will have an extremely high likelihood of causing a huge amount of drama, pain, guilt and resentment for all parties involved.

 21:40 Feedback

Kabe responds to the Poly Mythbusters episode by reminding us that 1-2% of the population is asexual, so it’s really NOT all about the sex.

23:30 Happy Poly Moment

D happily reports that his monogamous relationship is now poly-ish due to BDSM proclivities!

26:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 369: Getting over the poly hump

Franklin Veaux, Eve Rickert and Cunning Minx

How do you come to accept and embrace poly when it wasn’t your idea?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Host chat with Minx, Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux

  • Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert are writing a book! Help fund their Indiegogo campaign to write it!
  • Check out the awesome new Beyond the Love conference, November 15-17 in Columbus, Ohio. Educational sessions, social events like poly speed dating and poly prom and the attendee-directed poly summit! Use code polyweekly at checkout to save 10%!
  • I’m presenting at CatalystCon on how to be a part-time sex educator Sept 27-29

9:00 Topic: Getting over the poly hump

Franklin and Eve give advice! How did you come to accept and embrace polyamory when it wasn’t your idea? For those who didn’t originally self-identify as polyamorous, how did you deal with conflicting emotion and come to embrace polyamory?

  • Recognize that your partner wanting polyamory is not about you.

    More Than Two Crowdfunding

  • Thank your partner for having the courage to be honest about what he/she needs.
  • Acknowledge that the relationship has already changed, so resist the urge to hold on to what you used to have.
  • Accept that this exploration of polyamory may mean that the current relationship might end.
  • Recognize that you are empowered to leave the relationship if it doesn’t work for you.
  • Find something in this new type of relationship for you that is a true benefit, not a “grit-and-bear-it” situation.
  • Finding someone to model successful poly relationships (like a poly support network) is essential.
  • Avoid the urge to control the polyamory with veto power or other restrictions.

Listener responses:

  • GreedyPaul calls in to say that he came to embrace polyamory when his mistress and her husband showed him over the months that their relationship and communication were honest.
  • Jess wrote in to describe her first and second introductions to polyamory and that, despite initial freakouts, she is “poly and never looked back.”
  • IssaWalters, Shadalicious, PolyNirvana and ZenHeathen were all swayed by the logical arguments
  • And thanks to Les and Lisa for sharing their experiences on Facebook

36:15 Happy Poly Moment

  • AggieSez shares a solo Happy Poly Moment
  • HeartWhisperer shared a HPM in which he felt compersion

41:00 Feedback

  • Vaughn on episode 361 comments that your polysaturation point changes over time
  • Vir mentioned a poly domestic fantasy novel Lifelode
  • A listener writes in to call bullshit on something not mentioned on episode 364 on being in love and vetoed: it’s the responsibility of the partner to stand up for the new relationship. The fact that the husband defend his relationship in the face of his wife’s communication blockade was indefensible. He says if you’re at the point of a vee, it’s your job to stand up for your new relationship as well as for your existing one.
  • Listener calls in to say that PW saved her and kept her sane!

53:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Make a Donation

Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wanna play?
CatalystCon West '14

Poly Weekly on Facebook

Poly Weekly on Twitter