PW 413: Polly Superstar!

Poly in the news; an interview with Polly Superstar about her new memoir; More Than Two contest winners!

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Polly Superstar

Polly Superstar

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

Please take the PW listener survey!

1:45 Poly in the News

 6:15 Interview: Polly Superstar

She is the founder of San Francisco’s Mission Control, Kinky Salon and author of a new memoir, Polly: Sex Culture Revolutionary.

33:15 Feedback

Mandy writes in about episode 410: The World According to Gottman

36:30 More than Two winners!

Bianca, Susie and VeePoint called in to enter to win the signed copy of More Than Two. And the winner is: VeePoint! Email me so I can send you the book. J

45:00 Happy Poly Moment

GalliardGirl calls in to share a super fun happy poly moment!

47:35 Thank you!

Thanks to Badger for his donation, and welcome Brian to the Poly Weekly Playmates!

48:00 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Ask a polyamourous person

Buzzfeed just posted this fun, funny and factual video of the top questions asked of polyamorous people. And it’s already got over a million views. Less work for the rest of us educators to do! Well done!

If you’re interested, the Poly in the Media blog has posted the transcript.

PW 412: Relationship “rules” of order

funny_cats_lol_cats_earz_too_smallLustyGuy’s best practices for a long-term poly relationship

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

Please take the PW listener survey!

3:00 Poly in the News

Nick TV’s Degrassi introduces a polyamory plot line, sort of

5:15 Topic: Relationship “Rules” of Order from LustyGuy

Really “best practices” rather than “rules”

Getting Started

  • Assume goodwill among folks
  • Reasonable emotional intelligence is required—know how you feel, why you feel that way and be able to express both

What you need to do yourself

  • Know thyself
  • Be honest with yourself

Within the relationship

  • Give early notice to avoid surprises
  • Allow for “experience shock”
  • Never ask a question you can’t hear “no” to
  • If you reject a request, it’s your responsibility to make a counter-offer
  • Have regular relationship check-ins, “State of the Relationship” talks
  • Let your partners be the experts on themselves
  • What is important to your partner must also be at least a little important to you
  • If it hasn’t been agreed to, it isn’t (yet) so
  • Be partners, not parents
  • The negotiation process ultimately matters more than the outcome
  • A joint account requires consent of all contributors before spending
  • Pass the “conn” for kids/pets

27:30 Happy Poly Moment

  • Haddayr shares a super sweet happy poly moment with the 10-year-old!
  • Gabriel shares an HPM about communication about sexual preferences saving the day!

31:00 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 411: Poly for the holidays

lolcat1How to handle your bio family during the holidays, with advice from FBI hostage negotiators

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

10:15 Topic: Poly for the holidays

How do you handle the family during the holidays when you’re poly? A few tips:

19:30 Happy Poly Moment

Julia shares her story of falling for a gal and then a guy and choosing to be honest about what she wanted instead of dumping one for the other. And it turned out great!

22:00 Thanks

Thanks to Taylor and Igor for their donations and welcome Doug as the newest Poly Weekly Playmate!

23:00 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 410: The world according to Gottman

A biased review of psychologist John Gottman’s research on relationships

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Dr. John Gottman with his wife Julie

Dr. John Gottman with his wife Julie

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

9:40 Topic: The world according to John Gottman

John Gottman is a professor of psychology famous for his work on evaluating marital stability through direct observational data points.

  • Famous for being able to predict whether a couple will stay together (which he refutes, but he can compare data and give odds of success). For example, if more than 20% of your interactions with your partner are negative, it’s likely that something needs to be addressed in order to increase relationship longevity
  • Microexpressions Also famously researched microexpressions
  • Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
  • Accessible research Great marketer and beneficial for taking his research and making the data accessible to the public
  • Challenge: his data isn’t replicable outside his experiments
  • Making bids for connection Recent Business Week article on couples making and accepting bids for connection being a top trait of successful relationships
  • Anger research Master versus disaster model, in which masters use anger to demo emotional importance rather than using it to express contempt. He posits that even healthy couples fight and get angry and that anger is functional in marriage.
  • But be aware that Gottman’s work focuses on monogamy and heterosexual couples only and is not a proponent of polyamory.

30:00 Happy Poly Moment

Clare from London writes in to share her discovery of polyamory, her self-identify as poly and her hopes of applying it to her new relationship.

35:10 Thanks

Thanks to Taylor and Igor for their donations and welcome Doug as the newest Poly Weekly Playmate!

36:00 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 409: Poly and disabilities

Shanna Katz

Shanna Katz

Everything you need to know about address disabilities in a partner with expert Shanna Katz

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

10:50 Interview: Poly and disabilities

Shanna Katz is a professional pervert with a Masters in Sex Education specializing in sex with disabilities with books on cunnilingus, lesbian sex positions and a women’s sexuality guide.

What you need to know about people with disabilities:

  • Over 20% of the US population has some type of disability, some of which might not be readily visible
  • Ask before you help/ask how you can help rather than just helping
  • Base your level of disclosure about your disability on level of the relationship
  • keep-calm-and-save-spoons-2Don’t offer unsolicited health advice about a condition you don’t have or assume that your experience with a similar condition applies
  • Understand and apply spoon theory
  • If you’re able-bodied, ask “is there anything I need to know about your help to be a better partner to you?”
  • Understand that the person with disabilities might not be able to express what he/she needs right away. If that’s the case, just offer to be there when the person needs something and let him/her initiate the request.
  • Don’t try to fix the person’s disability

Find her at http://www.shannakatz.com or email her at shannakatz@gmail.com

41:30 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 406: Negotiating from a “no”

lolcatnoHow to respond when you own your shit, ask for what you want and your partner says “no”

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

Still deleted from iTunes. You can still find us through www.polyweekly.com, the Poly Weekly app or just copy the RSS and paste it into any podcatcher that isn’t iTunes

2:30 Topic: Negotiating from a “no”

When listener S identified awkwardness with her partner when she came home from a date, she did everything right: did some self-analysis, named her insecurity and requested a physical reconnection with her partner after a date. An excellent case of owning her own shit and asking for what she wanted!

And the partner said “no.” Where do you go from here?

Keep in mind that just because you ask for what you want doesn’t mean you’re going to get it! This is the beginning of a discussion:

  • Ask your partner for a counter offer. If not a planned physical reconnection, then what might he be able to do?
  • If necessary, evaluate and counter his counter-offer. Show that you are making efforts to accommodate his feelings, as you are asking him to accommodate yours.
  • Ask your partner about his feelings. Encourage him to explore and do any necessary shit-owning.

13:10 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 401: Fuzzy landmines

The fuzzy landmines and invisible fences that new partners run across

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

funny-pictures-cats-jumping-fenceIntroduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

4:15 Topic: Fuzzy landmines and invisible fences

This topic is based on a blog post on the Solo Poly blog by Aggie Sez: Invisible fences and fuzzy landmines. Something that the solo polyamorist or the poly person entering a poly relationship has to deal with, the ramifications of which couples often are unaware: fuzzy landmines and invisible fences. A few highlights:

  • There is no alternative to being self-aware and owning your own shit. No emotional outsourcing.
  • Invisible fences: unstated boundaries or rules in relationships that a new partner only discovers when tripping over them.
  • Fuzzy landmines: rules and boundaries that are only stated in deliberately vague terms that serve as an excuse to end the relationship when someone in the original couple freaks out.

And one more question: how can you tell the difference between a couple making a genuine effort to be open and own their own shit and a couple that is not devoted to working on their own issues and relationship mechanics?

  • Does everyone involved self-identify as poly? How secure is each person in that identity?
  • Do the people in the couple talk to each other honestly?
    • Do they own their own shit?
    • Does their behavior match the walk they talk about each other?
  • Are their dialogue and behavior towards you aligned? Do they do what they say they will do?
  • How willing is the couple to hear your concerns as valid (rather than as a threat or unreasonable request)?

20:15 Feedback

23:30 Happy Poly Moment

S wrote in with a HPM of the week!

8 things cover fingers27:15 8 Things ebook

The Eight Things I Wish I’d Known About Polyamory ebook is available here! And print copies here!

28:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Poly mythbusters!

mythbuster lolcatThe top five poly myths you wanted to see busted!

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

  • 1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

    5:30  Topic: Poly mythbusters

    • The original article that inspired this episode
    • My original list:
      • It’s all about the love
      • Only men want it
      • No one ever gets jealous
      • It’s more evolved than monogamy
      • But when I put it to you, the listeners, you voted in these top five myths:
    1. Poly = fear of commitment (aka “you’re just afraid to settle down” or “when you meet the Right One you’ll change”)
    2. 10:16 Poly = orgies (also general promiscuity and sex)
    3. Poly is bad and confusing for the children
    4. 16:04 Poly = cheating
    5. Poly doesn’t work or doesn’t last

    22:20 Feedback

    • Derek wrote in to share how he and his sweetie avoided a relationship land mind
    • Michael invites anyone interested in HSV and HPV groups on Facebook to send him a friend requests

    24:50 Thanks

    Welcom Savanni to the PW Playmates and to Doug for his $69 donation!

    25:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 397: Relationship land mines

land mine lolcat1LustyGuy and Minx pre-ponder common relationship land mines

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

3:20 Topic: How to prethink relationship land mines

Relationship land mines sound effect by harpoyume via Freesound

Minx and LustyGuy came up with a series of questions to think about to give some pre-thought to what kind of best person you want to be in a relationship. Even if you have rules against some of these behaviors, know that many or most of them will happen, anyway. And what will you do when that happens? (Please don’t make another rule against it or clamp down harder on the rule!)

So with the understanding that experience shock happens and you react in an unanticipated way, give some thought about some of these classic relationship land mines.

  • How will you respond when your partner falls in love with another woman? What about another man?
  • How will you respond when your partner is enjoying NRE with a new partner?
  • How will you respond when your partner dates someone who seems smarter or prettier than you? Richer? Better job?
  • How will you feel when you fall in love with someone other than your partner?
  • How will you see your existing relationship when you have a shiny new one?
  • How will you respond to seeing your partner hold hands or snuggle with someone new?
  • How will you respond to a request for privacy?
  • How will you respond if the new person wants to move in? What if your partner wants him to move in?
  • How will you respond if your new partner turns out to be more into your husband/wife than you? Will you be able to support them?
  • How will you respond when your fears are triggered?
  • How will you respond when you feel insecure?
  • How will you maintain intimacy and excitement with your current partner?
  • How will you keep up communication with your partner(s) to address issues early?
  • How will you support your partner’s new romances? How will you support their loss/ with your partner being hurt?
  • How will you support your partner’s choices, even if they don’t match yours?
  • How will you respond when you aren’t getting what you want?
  • How will you respond when your new lover isn’t getting what he/she wants?
  • How will you respond when your partner isn’t getting what he/she wants?
  • How will you respond when your metamour isn’t getting what he/she wants?
  • How will you support your metamour?
  • How will you maintain communication with your metamour?
  • How will you respond when there are issues with your metamour?

19:15 Happy Poly Moment

Erika writes in with a great story about being herself on OKC and getting great results!

22:15 Thank you

Thank you to ChasingJoy for being our newest PW Playmate!

22:50 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Make a Donation

Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wanna play?
Poly Weekly blog award

Poly Weekly on Facebook

Poly Weekly on Twitter