PW 445: How to be a trans ally

comic hands heartA trans activist shares tips on supporting the trans community and its members

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

  • Minx will be in New York September 24-27–ping me if you know of poly/kinky events going on!
  • I’ll be at CatalystCon West next weekend!

2:30 Poly in the News

Polyamory, an abundance of love is a friendly, supportive article on Deutsche Welle on polyamory

4:45 Topic: How to be a trans ally

Trans activist Oblio joins our live show in Eugene, Oregon, sponsored by As You Like It, the Pleasure Stop, to share how cisgendered folks can support the trans community.

  • What does “polyamory” mean to you and why do you self-identify as “authentic” instead?
  • What do you wish everyone understood about gender identity?
  • How do we facilitate a safe space to ask the ignorant questions?
  • How would someone approach you in terms of gender identity and pronoun?
  • What is “presenting” and why should you not use that to determine which pronoun to use for address?
  • I appear cisgendered and want to try on a new pronoun for play. Is that offensive or appropriation?

26:15 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 444: When to stop lying

lolcat-liesWe all lie a little to be in the closet. But how much is too much?

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

12:30 Poly in the News

Polyamory: taboo for religious Americans but not for the rest

16:00 Kicking Poly Drama Testimonial

Kicking Poly Drama on Its Ass online course student Joseph shares his experience with taking Minx’s first online course—what it was like, and was it worth the time, effort and money to take an online poly course.

20:10 Topic: When to stop lying

Frustrated in Kentucky writes in to ask about a tricky situation. In an open marriage and playing with K, who is squicked at dating a married woman and wants to be in the closet about it. However, their mutual close friends have noticed their interactions and are asking about Frustrated dating K, so she is forced to lie directly to them in order to keep K in the closet. To make matters worse, K is about to move in with said mutual friends! What to do?

  • LustyGuy suggests not actually lying while still respecting K’s closet. Have you tried “I can’t answer that” or “I can neither confirm nor deny”?
  • While you do need to respect K’s closet, it’s also worth asking yourself what you need in order to be happy. Is being in the closet hot and sexy, or is it making your relationship worse and less healthy?

27:25 Thank you!

Thanks BJ for joining the PW Playmates!

28:40 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 443: So you wanna be Poly Wan Kenobi

Poly Wan KenobiOur tips if you want to be someone’s guide into first-time polyamory

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

  • Minx will be in New York September 24-27–ping me if you know of poly/kinky events going on!

1:30 Poly in the News

6:00 Topic: So you wanna be Poly Wan Kenobi

LustyGuy and Minx talk about their decision not to date poly virgins. But what if you WANT to? What about those who like being the guide on someone’s first voyage into polyamory?

Our favorite millennial Koe Creation joins us with her tips on choosing to be someone’s Poly Wan Kenobi and taking on the challenge of guiding a newbie into the poly fold.

  • Set your boundaries
  • Be open to being a guide to help your mentee to find the kind of poly that is best for him/her/them, even if it’s not your brand of poly—be willing to let go
  • Be the poly you want to see in the world
  • Stay flexible
  • Stop guiding/teaching when it stops being fun/rewarding for you

20:15 Feedback

Raven shares feedback on episode 440 about the power of honesty being the best argument for polyamory.

Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 442: How I Knew I Was Trans

250Lm-transgenderA fun and touching story of self-acknowledging gender identity

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

4:45 Topic: When I knew I was trans

LustyGuy and I recorded Cass’ amazing and touching story of coming into oneself and realizing when and how to acknowledge one’s gender identity. Thanks to Janet Hardy for introducing us to Cass, and thanks to As You Like It for providing the venue and promotion for this live taping in Eugene, Oregon!

TransPonder group in Eugene

22:20 Happy Poly Moment

Doug shares a Happy Poly Moment of frubble he feels for his ex-girlfriend.

25:00 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 441: How to have a THREESOME!

Wanna have a threesome but don’t know where to start? Reid Mihalko walks us through it! threesome
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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

4:15 Poly in the News

reidaboutsex

7:40 Topic: Reid Mihalko shares how to have a threesome

Reid Mihalko shares his secrets to initiating and conducting a threesome—without the social awkwardness. This is GOLD!

44:00 Movie review: Her

Joreth shares a poly-ish movie review of Her. Find more poly-ish movie reviews at http://www.polyishmoviereviews.com/.

49:30 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 440: Q&A with Janet Hardy

IMG_3584Getting intimate with The Ethical Slut co-author, Janet Hardy!

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

4:45 Interview: Janet Hardy Q&A

Join us as we chat with Janet Hardy and take questions from the audience about the future of poly. My favorite quotes: “poly is very close to normative for college kids” and “it’s gonna be weird and cool.”

  • What was the first surprise about poly?
  • What bugs you about the poly community today?
  • What wisdom would you give the you right before you published ES? that a poly book would engender more hostility than BDSM books
  • How would I deal with a lover who takes my proposal of poly as a blow to their ego/why they are not enough?
  • How do I bring it up to my partner?
  • What are the next two decades of the future of poly?

33:30 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 439: When to come out to your social circle

IMG_3618When and how do you come out to your social circles as poly?

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

3:30  Topic: When do I come out to my social circles?

Listener Sarah asks when she should come out to the folks in her monogamous social circle—especially one cute guy she likes. Minx and LustyGuy recommend:

  • Whenever you want—it’s your decision
  • Be comfortable with yourself first
  • Be prepared for negative reactions and don’t take them personally
  • It’s OK to come out to individuals rather than a group

13:00 Feedback

  • Rambina shares a steamy audio poem Let It Be
  • Jim gives us follow up on his poly implosion

18:45 Happy Poly Moment

Missy shares a sweet, sisterly Happy Poly Moment.

22:00 Thank you!

Thanks to Luanne, anonymous, Steve and Teresa for joining the Poly Weekly Playmates!

29:15 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 438: Is poly marriage legalization next?

three wedding ringsSeveral Supreme Court justices mentioned the slippery slope argument against poly marriage as a reason to deny same-sex marriage. Does that mean we’re next in line for legalization?

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

  • Indiana University is doing a research study on polyamorists. It’s 20-30 minutes; take the survey here.

3:00 Poly in the News: Is Legalizing Poly Marriage Next?

27:00 Feedback: Poly explosion

A listener calls in to share a heartbreaking tale of a poly implosion.

23:10 Happy Poly Moment

PolyDoc wrote in to share how she had an opportunity to let an 81-year-old patient in a sexless marriage know about polyamory and consensual non-monogamy.

37:20 Thank you!

Cagey and Doug both donated $69 each, which we invested in Portland strippers. J

38:30 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 437: Talking about money

cost estimate dollars money add - Version 2That uncomfortable conversation topic: money

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host Chat

4:45 Poly in the News

Are polyamorists too evangelical? Piece on polyamory in The Daily Beast, quoting yours truly!

9:20 Topic: Talking about money

Barbara is new to poly and in a 2-year, live-in relationship with her partner. She pays most of the bills because her partner was laid off and has some health issues. She has struggled with jealousy. Recently, he asked her for money for a date, which she refused, calling it “a bridge too far.” Barbara pays for meals when she goes out with him and thinks his new partner should do the same. The talk was uncomfortable; he left in a huff. What should she do?

22:10 Thanks!

Welcome Jennifer to the Poly Weekly Playmates!

23:15 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Help! I’m insecure about my umet long-distance metamour!

monkey_with_ears1Minx:

I identify as monogamous and in a poly relationship. My boyfriend of several months has been in a long-distance open relationship with his girlfriend on the East Coast for nearly a decade. I’ve been working on my user manual and communicating my needs, but we don’t yet have the line of communication open with my metamour. Because I have never met her, never spoken to her, never even reached out and Facebook-messaged her, in my mind, she’s just this perfect goddess I can’t even hold a candle to. I make comparisons to her, and so I’m afraid that given a choice, my boyfriend will always choose her and I’ll be left behind somehow. How do I stop putting my metamour on an impossible platform and release some of those anxieties?

Insecure on the West Coast

Dear Insecure—

First of all, let’s acknowledge that you’re doing a great job of doing the work and owning your shit! You’re taking positive steps by writing your user manual and setting up regular relationship check-ins with your boyfriend. And you’re also acknowledging that your fears are probably unrealistic and might not have much to do with reality. Bravo! Those are all positive steps to dealing with your fears.

But let’s also acknowledge that you have a few things working against you: being monogamous in a poly relationship, being in a long-distance relationship and being new to polyamory are each significant challenges on their own, and you’re trying to tackle all three in the same new relationship! That is a lot to take on.

And you’re absolutely right: those voices that tell you she is prettier, thinner or more successful than you are coming from within you and typically don’t have much to do with reality. Those are your fears to own and most likely not spawned by anything external to your own head and past experiences.

While you’re already doing everything right, I do have two recommendations. The first is to take your fear cycle to its maximum ridiculous silliness by filling in the blanks:

I’m afraid that if ____ is the case, that will mean _____ and I’ll ____  and then ____.

If the last blank isn’t “and then I die alone,” add more blanks until you get to that point of silliness. Remember that your fears come from within you and typically have very little to do with reality, so let’s take this to the worst-case scenario to bring those silly fears into the light.  For example:

I’m afraid that if she is prettier and more successful than me, that will mean that I’ll always be second fiddle, and he’ll eventually figure that out and choose her over me, and then I’ll be single again, and then I’ll be heartbroken and pathetic and eventually die alone.

If your final blank isn’t something as final as “and then I die alone,” keep asking, “and then what?” until it is.

The second recommendation is to reach out to your metamour on Skype or Facebook or whatever in advance of a face-to-face. Skype communication is better than no communication and can help put the chattering monkeys to bed. And why not even be vulnerable and tell her how you are feelings–that you are insecure because she seems so pretty, thin and successful? She will most likely take it as a compliment, and you’ll feel better for having extended trust by being honest and a bit vulnerable with your metamour.

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