Sex 2.0: Out: the challenges and rewards of being sex-positive

GraydancerFrom Graydancer‘s session at Sex 2.0:

  • “When you come out, you make yourself vulnerable to disapproval, criticism, and discrimination.” -Pat Califia
  • Coming out to partner/children: lead your children down a critical thinking path to determine where prejudices and biases come from
  • Downside of coming out to children: you become a resource for thing like anal sex
  • Best response from a family member: “I don’t approve of it, but I can see why you do it.”
  • Worst response from a family member: “You’re dumb.”
  • Tip: have at least one token vanilla friend
  • Great case study of someone who was out at work: Jack McGeorge, the openly kinky weapons inspector. When opponents tried to discredit him, his boss Hans Blix stood up for him and refused to accept his resignation
  • YKIOK = “your kink is OK”–a response Graydancer got when he came out at work
  • Others benefit from your living out loud: if someone has come out to a person before, it’s more likely that person will be more accepting/familiar with the idea the next time
  • What catalyzes change? Pride, self-esteem, self-disclosure
  • Sex-negative=don’t do anything to be ashamed of. Sex-positive: don’t be ashamed of the things you do

New York Poly Pride, Day 2

The day dawned a bit dreary and drippy, not the sunlight I’d been hoping for. But I drug myself out of my lovely host’s bed–he’s the best host EVER, not only because he’s a cute bi boy who obligingly kissed other cute bi boys for my titillation, but also because he provided me with an adorable cat to sleep with! Yes, cat. Two live with him now, and the runty black one, Lucy, curled up in the crook of my legs last night! Awwwww!

Google Maps told me the rally site was four miles away, directly up Central Park West, so I wandered over to the nearest main street, found a bus stop, checked the route and schedule and determined I had just enough time to grab a decaf latte at the Starbucks. On the bulletin board:

The second bus was equally easy and dropped me off right on 106th street, and I found the rally site, no problem. And what a rally it was! I’ve never attended a poly pride event, and it was inspiring! Everyone was there; Birgitte with her two adorable pups, Trace with his cute puppy Keno, the adorable Jenny Block–oh, hell; I can’t name all the names. It would be silly. Everyone who is anyone in poly was there. For me, it was a real treat to finally meet in person Alan, the Poly in the News guy (wow; he’s really tall!), Anita Wagner, Robyn Trask of Loving More and Serena Anderlini d’Onofrio, all folks I’ve talked with on the phone/via Skype/electronically over the past few years but never met in person!

I think there is real value to events like this. Participating in Poly Pride made me realize just how isolated our communities are–when I started chatting with folks and hearing stories, it seemed that every community, from Portland to Chicago to New York, had a different vibe.

And none of them know about or communicate with the others. When people asked me about the poly scene in Chicago, they were surprised to hear how differently it is structured compared to New York. Or Oregon. Or Berkeley. In a way, the poly movement reminds me kind of like the first year of my own poly relationship–intelligent, energized, great intentions, but without the support of a strong network of informed, experienced polys, it was fraught with unnecessary difficulties.

The New York scene is crazy organized. There is a leadership committee of 13 people, each with a specific role and willing to commit hours every week to outreach and organization. More than just one or two people trying to make a difference (although that is certainly where Poly NYC began), this is a well-oiled machine with many devotees spending many hours working together to produce popular, inclusive events.

Birgitte Phillippedes, President of Poly-NYC

And the scene is highly tied in to the GLBT community and frequently meets at the local GLBT center. In fact, many of the plethora of acts from Poly Pride were GLBT oriented–from gay club singer Houston Bernard to the Pixie Harlots to the three gay Jews to Hedda Lettuce, the fabulous green-bewigged MC, the acceptance of diversity of sexuality, orientation and spirituality was obvious.

But I digress. The rally itself was amazing! I spent most of the day running around, trying to grab speakers for audio interviews. And there are some fantastic ones coming up–the stunning goddess Birgitte Phillippedes herself; Justen, the founder of Poly NYC; Anita Wagner; Alan from Poly in the Media (speaking of his activism, not giving news reports!); Pete Benson (The Polyamory Handbook); and Reid and Marcia, relationship coaches and founders of Cuddle Parties.

I think my favorite acts were the three Jewish poly gay boys singing a capella; how adorable!

Singing, dancing, hula hoops, a big earth ball, dogs barking, frisbee, cuddle piles, great speeches–too much to say; too much to catalogue. I took a ton of photos and video, too, so check my Flickr for photos of the fun.

One last thing, though–Tristan Taormino’s keynote kicked fuckin’ ASS! Inspiring, charging, challenging–she’s seen the gay movement organize and demand recognition, and she challenged the poly movement to do the same. And seeing what Poly NYC has done, I believe we can get there!

New York Poly Pride, Day 1

Had a great time my first day in New York for the 8th annual New York Poly Pride!

I’m crashing with a lovely poly bi guy in the West Village, and on his block (not on his stree, mind you, but his block, I can get a tattoo, buy leather gear, get sounds, find crystals, get a $12 haircut, get my fortune told and buy a custom $1,000 suit with a steampunk twist that would make my buddy M jealous.

So I’m in this silly, touristy place where everything is fun for me because it’s IN NEW YORK. I rode the subway IN NEW YORK! I ate at a diner IN NEW YORK! I had a black and white cookie a la Seinfeld IN NEW YORK! I walked a mile IN NEW YORK! I ordered pie a la mode iN NEW YORK!

Such a silly girl I am.

Last night’s Cuddle Party was interesting/fun. One of the big thrills of this trip is the chance to meet people I’ve only known online and via Skype–Serena Anderlini d’Onoforio, Alan from Poly in the Media, the stunning goddess Birgitte Phillippides, T, my cute host Simon, poly therapist Beki, Mark from Poly-NYC… and there will be more today. It’s kind of nice to be able to put faces to all these amazing poly activist names. The scene her is so very vibrant–not just socially, but politically. They don’t just have a few munches here and call it a day; these are the rock stars of polyamory. And I get to be here, too!

Speaking of which, I should run my short talk down and pack my purse. Oh, and figure out which way Central Park is…

Poly Weekly #171: But cheating is in my genes!

This week’s Poly Weekly #171: But cheating is in my genes!, a discussion of the release of the Swedish study on RS3 334, stupidly dubbed “the cheating gene” by mainstream media.

Download this episode directly!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at

2:00 Announcements
New York’s Poly Pride Day, October 3-4

2:30 Dragon*Con Rehash

8:45 Topic: Monogamy gene found in study
Monogamy/cheating gene article

23:00 Book Club: If the Buddha Dated
If the Buddha Dated spawned heated discussion this week

23:30 Miss Poly Manners: PDA in public

29:00 Humor: Poly Definitions
Courtesy of listener John

30:15 Feedback

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

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Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

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