PW 271: The secondary blues

The secondary blues

From listener Amy: how do you deal with being a secondary when you long for primary benefits?

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Introduction and host chat

Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

Announcements

Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Book review: Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

  • Kurt reviews poly themes and relationships in the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series

Advice from the crew: what if you’re secondary but don’t want to be?

What if you long to be a live-in primary, but metamours or partners are putting on the brakes? Cohosts Franklin Veaux, Joreth and Pepper give advice to listener Amy.

Thank you

Frances, Paul and Tofa for donations! You rock my world and help cover bandwidth and travel expenses.

Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Poly Weekly 260: Replacing “primary” and “secondary”

Special guest cohost Steve Eley chats about replacing  the term “primary” and gives advice to new poly kinksters

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Introduction and host chat

Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

Topic: A replacement for “primary” and “secondary”

      Listener question

      • Exploring poly and kink; how do you start dating?
      • What do you do when one partner wants kink only and the other wants full-on sexual relationships?

      Teaser

      Wrap-up
      Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

      Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

      Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

      A replacement for “primary/secondary”

      It seems that every polyamorous practitioner universally dislikes and finds inadequate hierarchical terms such as “primary” and “secondary,” but we often default to using them for lack of anything better.

      I like to refer to “entering a existing couple,” rather that referring to myself as “secondary,” but the word always seems to slip out at some point. And in seeking relationships, it seems positively crass to admit to wanting something substantial and involved enough to be considered “primary.” In fact, I’ve heard people say in an accusing tone, “She’s looking for a primary.” You know, kind of like you’d say, “She’s desperate for a husband to support her and give her babies.” Blech.

      But today, a poly-friendly OKC date asked what I wanted. And I answer as I always do, “Truly what I want is one person in this world who gets me. An anchor. Two or three people would be great, but really, everything after one gravy.” And this is true–two or three friends or lovers were great, but that was almost an embarrassment of riches. I just need a person or two I can be myself with, and I’m good.

      I always found that I was much better at accepting the nature of relationships when I had an anchor person, someone who was there for me emotionally and who understood me on most levels, and whom I understood and supported as well. The nature of the relationship is less important than that one aspect: needing to be understood.

      And that’s when it hit me. I’m not seeking a primary; I was never sure about that, anyway. I’m seeking an anchor person of some sort. Kinky? Emotional? Spiritual? That’s all flexible, and less important than the rest of it. And I can have two anchors or three, and they might all be friends, lovers, live-in partners or various iterations thereof.

      I like “anchor” because it implies support without exclusivity (more anchors is better) and a state of connectedness without implying a sexual, live-in or hierarchical arrangement. My anchors could be a long-distance friend and an in-town lover; two live-in partners; a long-distance lover, an in-town friend, a partner and a metamour; or any other combination.

      So I offer this to you: instead of a “primary” polyamorous relationship, who is/are your anchor relationships?

      Poly Weekly 232: Who gets to be the primary?

      Download the mp3 directly

      Introduction and host chat
      Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

      Announcements
      Poly Weekly iPhone app with PDF show notes and audio extras is available now!

      Cohosts
      Joreth
      Franklin Veaux
      Pepper

      Topic: who gets to be the primary?
      Discussion of why the question is asked, why it’s important (or not) and what “primary” actually means

      Wrap-up
      Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

      Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

      Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

      Poly Weekly #137: Ten Poly Vocab Words You Need to Know

      The new Polyamory Weekly #1367: Ten Poly Vocab Words You Need to Know is up! Direct download is at Poly Weekly #137

      Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!
      Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

      0:00 Introduction and host chat
      Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments.

      1:30 Announcement: Chicago Poly Book Club
      This is the Poly Book Club, a fun discussion group for anyone who’s been *meaning* to read those books on poly but hasn’t quite got around to it. Or for those who read the books but didn’t have anyone like-minded to discuss the more interesting questions with!

      Our first book will be one I’ve been dying to read, Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless and Hopeful, by Anthony Ravenscroft.

      Other details:

      When: Wednesday, January 30th, 6:00-9:00 p.m.
      Where: The Center on Halsted lobby/social area (by the fireplace), 3656 North Halsted Street
      What: Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless and Hopeful discussion
      Why: ‘cuz it’ll be fun!

      I’ll post again as we get closer to the date, but please do RSVP if you’d like to attend so that I’ll know how many folks to expect. You don’t have to have read the book to attend–you can just join in the discussion and meet poly folks, anyway!

      Want to join in the discussion but aren’t in Chicago? Log on to the Poly Weekly Book Club Skypecast on Saturday, January 26th at 1:00 p.m.

      3:00 Topic: Ten Poly Vocab Words You Need to Know
      Think you know what “polyamory,” “primary/secondary/tertiary,” “NRE,” “monoamorous,” “monogamist,” “nonintimate sex,” “Vee,” “sweetie,” “significant other,” “HBB,” and “love-type thing” mean? Minx discusses Ravenscroft’s definitions of these terms from his book.

      11:30 Poly in the Media
      Alan’s new roundup of Polyamory in the News, including:

      16:50 Feedback
      Nobilis comments that he was bothered by Alan’s last Poly in the Media segment; Alan writes in an apology for the confusion and that any insult to monogamous folks was unintentional

      18:45 Feedback and New Topics
      DDog asks about a potential new topic: can poly people have foster kids?; Serena asks about how to meet poly people and if you’re “really” poly if you’re single–how do you meet poly people?; Poly Weekly episodes 103 and 104 did cover being poly and single, but if you have advice on where to meet people, please call in!

      25:00 Wrap-up
      Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

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