PW 380: Advice from your secondary

42-lolcat-funny-images-of-cats-with-toy-roboA few things your secondary wants you to know

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1:00 Announcements and HostChat

Want better poly matches on OKCupid? Be sure to answer these poly-indicative questions!

4:30 Topic: Five things your poly secondary wants you to know

Blogger Ginger wrote up a short but sweet post on five things your secondary wants you to know: (paraphrased by Minx)

  • The time we spent together is limited, so please value it like we do
  • We sometimes need extra reassurance; this is normal
  • You still need to be reliable
  • It’s important that your primary partner be comfortable with us
  • The fact that we love and value you keeps us going

Listener GreedyPaul called in to ask what changed in terms of metamour relations between Minx’s last long-term poly relationship and this one? What did L do to welcome me into the relationship and/or how had I changed?

Amanda wrote in to share a story of metamour relations: while she’d always believed that it was the new partner’s job to reach out to her, she came to understand how scary that can be for a new partner, so she chose to step up and reach out, with wonderful results!

20:45 Feedback

E wrote in to thank us for covering Asperger’s and poly and how very valuable the clear and explicit communication required in poly is to those with Aspy’s.

23:30 Happy Poly Moment

Heath shared a professional happy poly moment about bringing up relationship structure inclusiveness for intake at his college counseling center in the Kansas City area. AND if you have examples of the language you use in your paperwork for assessing relationship orientation, email him at heath12@ku.edu Thanks!

26:00 Thanks!

Thanks to Steven, Kevin, Elizabeth, Ewen, Violet and Sturley for their generous donations this week!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 271: The secondary blues

The secondary blues

From listener Amy: how do you deal with being a secondary when you long for primary benefits?

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Introduction and host chat

Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

Announcements

Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Book review: Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

  • Kurt reviews poly themes and relationships in the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series

Advice from the crew: what if you’re secondary but don’t want to be?

What if you long to be a live-in primary, but metamours or partners are putting on the brakes? Cohosts Franklin Veaux, Joreth and Pepper give advice to listener Amy.

Thank you

Frances, Paul and Tofa for donations! You rock my world and help cover bandwidth and travel expenses.

Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Poly Weekly 260: Replacing “primary” and “secondary”

Special guest cohost Steve Eley chats about replacing  the term “primary” and gives advice to new poly kinksters

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Introduction and host chat

Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

Topic: A replacement for “primary” and “secondary”

      Listener question

      • Exploring poly and kink; how do you start dating?
      • What do you do when one partner wants kink only and the other wants full-on sexual relationships?

      Teaser

      Wrap-up
      Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

      Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

      Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

      A replacement for “primary/secondary”

      It seems that every polyamorous practitioner universally dislikes and finds inadequate hierarchical terms such as “primary” and “secondary,” but we often default to using them for lack of anything better.

      I like to refer to “entering a existing couple,” rather that referring to myself as “secondary,” but the word always seems to slip out at some point. And in seeking relationships, it seems positively crass to admit to wanting something substantial and involved enough to be considered “primary.” In fact, I’ve heard people say in an accusing tone, “She’s looking for a primary.” You know, kind of like you’d say, “She’s desperate for a husband to support her and give her babies.” Blech.

      But today, a poly-friendly OKC date asked what I wanted. And I answer as I always do, “Truly what I want is one person in this world who gets me. An anchor. Two or three people would be great, but really, everything after one gravy.” And this is true–two or three friends or lovers were great, but that was almost an embarrassment of riches. I just need a person or two I can be myself with, and I’m good.

      I always found that I was much better at accepting the nature of relationships when I had an anchor person, someone who was there for me emotionally and who understood me on most levels, and whom I understood and supported as well. The nature of the relationship is less important than that one aspect: needing to be understood.

      And that’s when it hit me. I’m not seeking a primary; I was never sure about that, anyway. I’m seeking an anchor person of some sort. Kinky? Emotional? Spiritual? That’s all flexible, and less important than the rest of it. And I can have two anchors or three, and they might all be friends, lovers, live-in partners or various iterations thereof.

      I like “anchor” because it implies support without exclusivity (more anchors is better) and a state of connectedness without implying a sexual, live-in or hierarchical arrangement. My anchors could be a long-distance friend and an in-town lover; two live-in partners; a long-distance lover, an in-town friend, a partner and a metamour; or any other combination.

      So I offer this to you: instead of a “primary” polyamorous relationship, who is/are your anchor relationships?

      Poly Weekly 232: Who gets to be the primary?

      Download the mp3 directly

      Introduction and host chat
      Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

      Announcements
      Poly Weekly iPhone app with PDF show notes and audio extras is available now!

      Cohosts
      Joreth
      Franklin Veaux
      Pepper

      Topic: who gets to be the primary?
      Discussion of why the question is asked, why it’s important (or not) and what “primary” actually means

      Wrap-up
      Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

      Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

      Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

      Poly Weekly #174: Fearless communication

      This week Poly Weekly #174: how do I speak up when I’m afraid of confrontation?; fearless communication.

      Download the episode directly!

      0:00 Introduction and host chat
      Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

      4:20 our topic today “fearless communication is based on an email from mzadi.  The question is, how does one communicate when one is not comfortable communicating?

      6:25 Minx talks about the need to be assertive in any relationship.  (what you want is important! -FS)

      7:30 MInx talks about a friend with a different communication style than herself

      8:30 there is a difference between assertive and aggresive.

      9:00 the importance of honesty and confidence.

      9:50 yelling happens, if it is necessary you an get used to it.

      10:45 to get what you want you need to bring it up in a assertive and confident manner.

      Topic: How do I speak up when I fear confrontation?

      Wrap-up
      Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

      Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

      Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

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